First Flights Out of the Nest

    So I'm living a few different levels of parenting. I'm sure there are others out there in at least ONE of the same situations that I find myself in. This is actually pertaining to my oldest DS. He is 19 and has already flown the coupe once. He actually turned 19 in Hawaii. Rough life huh? To ask him you would think so. He joined the CG and was found sleepwalking a month into his first duty station so they began the process of releasing him. You can't sleep walk on a boat. You can't sleepwalk with a bunch of weapons. So they let you go. It was a devastating blow to a 19 yr old who thought he was on the path to his future. He loved boot camp and thrived in it actually. His first duty station was not quite as great. It was a lot of stuff.. bad hours, so far from home for the first time ever, no friends (like he had at home), a lot of drinking and smoking going on. He wasn't really into the whole drinking scene but apparently that's all they like to do. So he baby sat a lot making sure everyone got to back to the ship safely and on time. There was a lot of stress and anxiety wrapped around this first flight out of the house. He didn't do so well. It was an extreme jump this first time out. I'm afraid we didn't prepare him well enough for such a feat. But he sort of blind sided us with the news he was enlisting. College didn't look like a viable option apparently. Even though he was enrolled already.

    Well, he is back home now trying to gather his barrings. It's been a difficult road. The blow, the age, the lack of direction are all coming into play here. Oh and the girl friend who has decided to end things. He is really struggling to find a path. We, the parents, are trying to encourage and validate him as much as we can with lots of patience. As long as he pays his few bills then I have no recourse. Nothing illegal or dangerous is going on in his life. He truly is a great kid young man. Even though I get intensely frustrated with him. He is still a good guy. He has a lot of potential. I wish he saw it in himself. I wish he drew strength from everything positive in himself.  But, he doesn't. His ego is shot and he lacks oodles of self confidence. He lacks self discipline too.

   With each new adventure in his life and each new test flight out we are hoping to see positive changes and impacts in his life. As parents this is NOT an easy task. To stay patient and graceful and have mercy on them while they flutter about out of the next. How does a parent do it?

•     Well first and foremost PRAYER. Lots and lots of prayer. I even yell at God about how disappointed I am or frustrated or angry at my son for being lazy or careless or even disrespectful. God is big enough to handle it. I hear Him repeating back to me the love and grace and mercy He has had on ALL His children. While we have been rebellious, lazy, careless, and disrespectful to Him and His people. So He understands. He can relate to our frustrations. He can understand why we want to scream and yell.
• Then there are friends who can help carry the burden with you. They can pray with you. They can share their frustrations so you know you aren't allow. They may be completely different but, we ALL are burdened with something.
• Resources like books, and video's, sermons can all help with this season of life. A couple of my essential resources that I have been clinging too are The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children by Stormie Omartian and Losing Control and Liking It By Tim Sanford Both will forever be my guide as the other children come along. See the covers below.
 

You can/ WE can do this. Parenting isn't easy nor is it for sissy's. We must stand with the Lord and fight every day for our children. He will give us daily our portion of what we need as parents. Looking to far into the future will cause us to fall or be weak because it's too much. But, focus daily what you need. He will be your strength and power and might.

I'd LOVE to hear about some of your own experiences of the first flights out of the nest.

God's Masterpiece

What message are you giving to your children? Are you telling them they are worth while to spend time with? Are you giving them a valuable spot in the family where without their contribution things just might fall apart?

We all need to feel needed. Do your children feel needed?

I can say I haven't always done this. In fact I feel like I fall so short of this. But it wasn't because I didn't want them to be. I think we all desperately want our children to feel worthy, needed, and precious. For whatever reason life happens and we have let a lot of time go by before we realize we haven't sat and had a simple connection conversation with our child(ren).

It's sometimes easier for the mom of the family to keep her watch over the relationships in her household. So I tend to call myself the temperature gauge to the family. When I sense a need in one of the children I tend to analyze and evaluate what it is they possibly need the most. Time with dad, mom, or family as a whole. As they get older it gets harder and harder to know what your child needs. My DS1, 19, is virtually impossible to connect with right now. He sleeps a lot and is going through somewhat of a crisis. So, all my conversations tend to lean towards the more serious.. what are you going to do with your life conversations. No wonder he steers clear of talking with me. But, I just don't know how to relax until things are taken care of.

Here are a few things I have found to be helpful each very different for each child.

• DS1 likes to eat. So I try to find every possible opportunity to have a good meal cooked or take him to eat somewhere. I restrain from any "serious" talk for the whole meal and just try and let him talk. Which is honestly a bit harder than it seems because at this age they really don't have much substance to their conversations. Still it seems to be a small moment of joy without tension for both of us. Going to the movies with DS1 is also a winner. He is a movie buff and it's an action we can do together and then just talk together about the movie.Connection is the key her. No life problems are to be dealt with during these times of connecting.
• DS2 and I have set aside every Friday lunch as "our" time. We find a place to eat and we have lunch together. It's a time I try to protect as much as possible. Not letting anything interfere with that time frame. It gives us a chance to discuss his work for the week since I home school him. We can take tests or discuss a chapter of whatever subject he might have a question about. Again, with boys, FOOD seems to be a common factor. Boys can't just sit and talk either. It's completely against their whole genetic makeup. So throwing a ball, working out, or driving are all good options for conversation with your son. The important thing is taking time with them.
• DD1 is most fun for me because me being a woman we connect a little differently. We understand each other in ways that the boys and I don't. Doesn't make it better or worst just different. I actually am not a good "player". Which means I don't know how to sit and play with toys. Tea Party's are kind of painful for me and playing dress-up just leaves me feeling like a failure because I'm not good at it. Maybe that's why I avoid it. I can color and things but I find it difficult for my daughter to enjoy creative work because she is a perfectionist and criticizes her work the whole time. So I have found a resource that I would like to share with you that sets you and your daughter on intentional dates together. It's a book called "8 Great Dates for Moms and Daughters" It leads conversations in True beauty, cool fashion, and modesty. DD1 is a joy to go out with. However it can sometimes be the most challenging. She can tend to be a bit negative at times. We are working on an attitude of gratitude with her. It's ok to be disappointed but, always be grateful for things even if they aren't exactly what we hoped for. So with your daughter you can shop, eat, beautify yourselves, or just go to a park and sit under a big tree in the shade and talk.

It doesn't much matter what the activity is. It's does matter the amount, frequency, and effort that is put into it. Kids need to know they matter. They need to know they are God's Masterpiece. They need to know from you that you think they are worth your time and effort. I promise you no one else out in the world will be able to speak that truth into their lives like you can. If you are intentional in connecting with them and not "fake" it. They will know, no matter what you do, that you care about them if you spend time with them.

Breath life into your child.. show them they ARE God's Masterpiece in the making.
Read this story The Story of the Tea Cup to get a greater picture of being God's Masterpiece and all that we must go through to become all that God intended for us.