DS1 has done something against all our instruction and teaching. He is 20 and still lives at home so while I don't have total control over what he says and does I do have some control over what we allow because we are still providing his basic needs.
Food & Shelter.
After some suspicion we confronted him and he confirmed our thoughts. Thankful he didn't lie. But we had to at that moment give him an ultimatum of not doing it again or moving out of our home.
We have 2 other children we need to raise and protect. His corruption can not interfere with our mission of raising them. His choices can't bring down the family unit.
Grace.
Our suspicious peaked again one month later and we confronted him again. He confirmed our suspicions. Thankful he didn't lie.
Dear Lord what do we do? We told him we would be kicking him out if he did it again. To sit in front of his dad asking him not to kick him out is like asking his dad to go back on his word. It was an intense struggle of what to do. Filled with pain, hurt and distrust.
You see DS1 is a "good" guy. He has a personality that won't quit with a smile that goes on for miles and miles. He struggles with loving himself. He struggle with knowing the love of Christ has for him, He doesn't understand that God has BIG plans for him if he would just seek Him with all his heart.
How often have I done the very same thing. How often do I not live up to my full potential in Christ? If I'm completely honest it is OFTEN. Grant it my disobedience isn't law breaking in legal terms but my disobedience is breaking God's laws.
Grace.
What do we do? I would probably rather take the easy road of burying my head under a pillow and just hope it corrects it self. Because I don't want to kick my son out.
He is not ready or capable of providing for himself. I'm afraid if we kick him out the only places who would take him are the places he finds these "forbidden things". So after much prayer we decided to keep him but with much more restriction. All at his expense. There will now be rent. Doing his own laundry. Buying his own snacks and drinks. He is welcome to gussy up to the table at dinner time and enjoy a meal with the family if he so chooses.
This is a really difficult stage in life. It's a bit more difficult because we also have a very "emotional" 16yr old on top of this battle. Everyone warns you of the "terrible twos" and the "teens" but I don't recall hearing any major warnings of the "young adult".
If you are reading this- Let this serve as a warning of the days to come.
It is rough waters but there is enough grace and peace from our Lord to get you through. God is going before us and preparing the way. We only need to rest in His faithfulness.
Just like the story of the disciples panicking in the boat during the storm while Jesus slept. They didn't understand how He, Jesus, could sleep during a time they needed the most help. But the thing is Jesus did not fear. He was the power of the One who calms the waves and makes them roar. Jesus was demonstrating that we do not have to fear.
Ever.
No matter what the circumstances are around us. He is always in control. With grace, mercy, and perfect knowledge.
Best comment I've gotten.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through this! My brother isn't much older than your son and my parents have been dealing with stuff like this for a while now. I'd caution against cutting off ties or kicking out of the home though. Your son obviously needs help more than ever now. But what my parents have found hardest is that, unlike at 2, you can't just say "eat the peas or I'll spank you." How do you set an absolute consequence for a 20 year old unless you're willing to break the relationship?--basically you can't. Instead my parents have been in a four year long process of setting rules, seeing my brother keep some and break others, then re-setting the rules and continuing to push for growth. My brother has shown a lot of improvement through the years, but its been painfully slow. He's graduating college in december, but he hasn't had any luck with the regular job and he's not going to church. I'm so happy your son is going to church and is working a job. My advice, for what it's worth, is don't break the relationship. Rather just keep loving and pushing him to do better and keep having faith that God's going to work change even if you really don't see it day by day. Also think about how to protect your emotional needs. My mom has had to hand over a lot of dealing with my brother conversations to my dad just because my mom couldn't emotionally handle it. The tears as you know about, and not sleeping at night feeling totally stressed out etc., I'm sure you know it all.
My prayers go with you. And NEVER feel like a failure as a parent because of this! You set Christian foundations for your son throughout his youth, now you just have to persevere until God brings those foundations to fruition. As the saying goes "covenant keepers always win....you just have to finish the story"
Thank you anonymous.