The Curse

I have a curse.

It's the curse of independence. 

Let me explain. I grew up in a home where the man of the house abused his authority over his family. He was not nice to my mom. He didn't protect her, encourage her, love her, or even lift her up to the Lord. It was not a biblical picture of 'head of the house' and therefore I grew up with a distorted view.

Watching my mom cower and take the verbal abuse pushed me to the other extreme of "I do not need a man to make it in this world." my attitude reflected an independence that was severely distorted.

A couple marriages later.... and

Today, the Lord has gently walked me back to His truth. He has gently shown me that, in Him and through Him, His way is good. 

His way is best.

He has blessed me.

I'm thankful my husband is a man who can be trusted. He allows me to depend on him without abusing that authority. 

I probably would have never known what God meant if it had not been for him.

My curse likes to rear it's ugly head sometimes though. My natural instinct tends to be "I don't need his approval." 

The more I sink myself into God's word He loving always guides me in His truth. He shows me the error of my ways. It can get kinda ugly inside though. 

I make it back into the truth and the shelter of God's ways and I begin to see a blessing through obedience. 

My mom likes to jokingly remind me just how independent I was. 

She doesn't know she is scraping the surface of a wound. A curse on me. 

You might be or might not be with me in the fact that I CRINGE at the word obey or obedience. It was such an ugly, degrading word for so many years. "But, Lord I SWORE I would never let a man ever talk to me or treat me like that again." 

It was important for me to be as independent as I possibly could. 

I was thinking about this the other day when my daughter began to challenge her daddy's instruction. How important is it for me to model respect and obedience to her daddy. So she will one day know how to lovingly trust and obey her husband. How important it is for him to show love with stern direction. He must be trustworthy.

Not to mention how important it is for my boys to grow up knowing the incredible responsibility laid upon them by God himself. They need to know that their wife and children will depend on their direction and wisdom in the Lord. It will be their responsibility to provide for them. To train them in the ways of the Lord and to encourage them to be all God has created them to be. This is such a great responsibility that I hope they never take for granted. 

This 'attitude' hasn't been all bad. It has allowed me to reach for things I might have otherwise shrunk from. But it is ultimately important for me to default to my husband. He is the head. I am his helper. PERIOD. There is actually GREAT fulfillment in this role. It's incredibly important in the balance of the family. 

So once again. I am growing graceful thru parenting. Becoming more Christ like through the lives of my children and family. 

Came across this video trailer of Ann Voscamp's book "One Thousand Gifts"

It touched my heart so deeply as it expressed parenting and the grace we are given in the moments of each day.

Being a working mom I've missed a lot of these moments with my daughter. But this short video inspires me to do a better job.

Wishing you experience God's grace in parenting today.

Future Son-in-Laws

I came across this article this morning and since I just wrote about daughters-in-laws I only though it fair to share this one from the other perspective. I really couldn't have written it any better and didn't want to add or take away anything from this. It was amazing! 

So here's the Link to Five Question's to Ask you Future Son-in-Law

My DD is only 8 soon to be 9. I am praying now for her future husband. Praying he has godly parents who are teaching him to be a man of God. Courageous and able to lead his family. What a precious thought. 

Makes me wish I had done an even better job raising my sons. None the less I will pray for them to adhere to most of what they were taught and the relationship that my husband and I have with each other. 

Growing more graceful in my journey of parenting and the things I just never even considered before having them. 

Are You the Kind of Woman You Hope Your Son Marries?

Are YOU a wife like the one you hope your son marries?
Do you replicate those attributes you deem necessary to be good enough for your son?
I didn't actually think about this until my boys started dating. I began to notice possible future daughter- in- laws and it made me think.

So I began a list of what I hope and pray my sons find in a wife.
-Does she love him unconditionally
-Is she forgiving
-Is she soft spoken or harsh with her criticism
-Does she pray for him
-Will she see past his flaws
-Is she willing to compromise her desires to meet his needs
-Does she speak kindness only to others about the man she loves
-Is she concerned about looking beautiful for him
-Does she want to create a sanctuary at home for him

I realize that the boys (aka young men) in our lives have a pretty heavy load to carry as well. But I'm looking at it from the woman's perspective at this point.

What kind of expectations do/will you place on this other woman?

Can you live up to the same expectations? Can I? Have I?

The Lord challenged my on this one. As I began making this check list in my head over what I thought would be good enough for my son I realized my husband has a mom and is looking at me in the same way? Can she look at me and know that I love her son as much as I possibly can and I'm willing to die to self (as often as I can) for him.

This is a pretty big challenge. But, I 'll tell you. It surely has pushed me to think a little deeper and see my husband in a new light. To his benefit I might add.

So if you are a mom of sons I challenge you to think about just what kind of a woman are you to the man in your life? Are you what you hope your son's will marry or are you the opposite of what you expect? Perhaps this will allow a little more grace in your life for the woman your boy marries.

What are some of the things you think you will expect?

Here is a great book resource.
Here

True Feminine Beauty

Had to stop in for a minute and share this link to an article I just read.

True Feminine Beauty
By Leslie Ludy


Because pretty much all of us have struggled with it at one time or another in our life time. If we can help the next generation a little more than we were helped then it will be a success.

Blessings to you all- moms, daughters, sisters, wives. May you see now your own TRUE BEAUTY.

Why Obeying Your Husband Matters

“As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in EVERYTHING—Ephesians 5:24.” (emphasis mine)

So the family I grew up with did not depict what Christ meant in this verse or verses of this chapter in Ephesians. So, growing up and hearing this verse I thought SURELY Christ doesn't mean that for every wife. Most surely He didn't mean EVERYTHING. 

2 failed marriages 3rd being God's grace poured out on me and 3 children later I get it. What a rough hard road to wander down to finally get this. I wish someone had explained it so clearly to me as I see today. Maybe they did and I didn't have the eyes to see or the ears to hear. One simple truth could have saved me a lot of trouble: God said I'm gonna have to obey my husband in EVERYTHING, Hence the reason to choose your husband wisely. WOW, now that's a revelation. 

In my clouded view of childhood of a domineering father with little compassion for his children or his wife. I couldn't see this perfect picture Christ had drawn for the church. If a man loves his wife as Christ loves the church and if the Wife obeys her husband as the church submits to Christ then their will be harmony. Not perfection, yet, here on earth but a much clearer picture to the world what our relationship with Christ is like and will be like in heaven. 

If you are one of those women who struggles with submission and obeying your husband begin to ask God how He can help you to know this truth. Spend daily time in prayer asking God to reveal ways you can submit to your husband. If you are like me your every fiber of being will fight you because of the attitude that screams "no man will ever take advantage of me again". I can take care of myself. Which in turn breeds an attitude of what good are you to me anyways? Truth is God has placed a high calling on men to be the men in the women's lives. To lead, direct and cherish her. God has placed it on man as his responsibility. But, you know what has happened? Women have stomped their feet demanding equal rights and equal treatment. Women through their temper tantrums have sought after the leadership that was by God's design to be mans. Look what has happened. Our children come home to empty houses. We have malnourished kids. More kids on educational medication. Women exhausted and too tried to spend time with their children so they buy extra TV's so everyone can watch something different just so we don't have to entertain them. Husbands being lazy, passive, by standards as the charge of women come racing in to snatch their responsibility right out of their hands which breeds disrespect for the men leaving them feeling worthless to the world and might I say into the hands of internet pornography and a place they feel maybe they can be dominant. Maybe where they can at least pretend they are wanted and needed. Because their wives are too tired and lack so much respect the sex drive just isn't there any more. The drive for intimacy with someone you have little respect for isn't appealing and so the cycle continues. I supposed I could go on with different scenarios. But, I think you get the point. I realize some cycles are way out of control. But our God is a big God and if you want real change in your marriage or even in your husband try submitting. Allowing him to take the heat from God what is rightfully his when he doesn't step up and lead his family. Step aside. 

Be a wife and allow God to work in your husband the way he intended. The impact on your children by living out the scriptures is more impacting than any bible study or words could ever be. Model God's way and receive the blessing.

But mostly teach your boys to be good leaders and to love as Christ loves.  Teach your daughters the importance of looking for God's best in a husband because she is commanded to obey him and she wants to be sure she can live that out in a way that is glorifying to our Lord.

Check out this movie coming out soon

COURAGEOUS

Honor Begins at Home

Four men, one calling: To serve and protect. As law enforcement officers, Adam Mitchell, Nathan Hayes, David Thomson, and Shane Fuller are confident and focused. Yet at the end of the day, they face a challenge that none of them are truly prepared to tackle: fatherhood.
While they consistently give their best on the job, good enough seems to be all they can muster as dads. But they're quickly discovering that their standard is missing the mark.
When tragedy hits home, these men are left wrestling with their hopes, their fears, their faith, and their fathering. Can a new found urgency help these dads draw closer to God ... and to their children?
Filled with action-packed police drama, COURAGEOUS is the fourth film from Sherwood Pictures, the movie making ministry of Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, Georgia. Riveted moviegoers will once again find themselves laughing, crying, and cheering as they are challenged and inspired by everyday heroes who long to be the kinds of dads that make a lifelong impact on their children.
Protecting the streets is second nature to these men. Raising their children in a God-honoring way? That's courageous.

In Theaters September 30

Don't Let the World Tell Your Child Their Worth

Lets back up a bit in time. My now soon to be 17 yr old was 5 almost 6 yrs old when this following scenerio played out in our home.

DS2 struggled with phonics. He could not understand it to save his life. We tried EVERYTHING and when he was in kindergarten the teacher wasn't sure WHY this boy, my boy, couldn't read like the other kids. I don't have anything against teachers. I actually have a lot of respect for someone who would CHOOSE to take care of a room full of other people's children. All while trying to teach them the same thing at the same time. It's the public school system I have little respect for. They don't have enough diversity in learning styles. Oh, sure, we've accommodated for language barrier's, color difference, but we have little effort that has show me they excel in the area of learning styles. So from K-9th grade my boy was "helped" and basically pushed through the system being treated "different" and "special" all because he doesn't learn the way the masses do.

So, my boy, because he didn't do well with phonics struggled to learn to read. He would avoid it like the plague. Because it's only natural to avoid the things we don't do well. RIGHT!? I remember the moment he laid on his bed in tears as I passed by his room. I stopped to inquire the problem only to find out he was broken to the core at the thought that he would never learn to read. "Lord, help my boy learn to read." He did.

Let's speed up a few years. It's nineth grade and my ever struggling son is loosing the very life within him. Beaten down by teachers and peers. He is losing the battle of knowledge. He is being lost in the crowd. Day 1 of school I saw a light shine. He was ready to learn and had the willing spirit to do well. By week 8 his shoulders were slumped and he could barely even get out of bed much less tackle the daunting task of homework every night after being beaten all day long with the reminder he just didn't "get it".

Let me just say- it pays to pay attention to your children. I could have missed all the signs in our very busy life. I could have ignored the signs as well because I just don't have time to deal with this. Thus, began my prayers. Lord, what is wrong with my child? What can I DO for my child? Just show me what's wrong with him and help me know how to help him. I prayed that every day when I dropped him off at the high school for two solid weeks when FINALLY the answer came as a great word from the Lord. I heard God speak to my heart. He is a square trying to fit into a circle. No matter how hard you try and no matter how much you do he will never fit. He isn't bad or wrong for not fitting. It just is what it is. But the world was telling him he didn't fit. He wasn't fitting in to the masses. It may have even been telling him he was stupid or wouldn't ever get very far cause he would never get it. They are surely right. IF he stayed with the masses and continued to be subject to their ONLY way then yes he probably wouldn't have gotten far. They would give him just enough to get by, BARELY!

Since removing him from the masses because I KNOW my child could succeed in a different setting this is a glimpse into his world today after 1.5 yrs of homeschooling.

My boy LOVES to read.

So, the next time the world tries to tell your child what their worth is. It's time to prove them wrong and fight harder than you've ever fought before for your child. It is so worth it. They are so worth it. He has blossomed in ways I never thought possible. His personality has changed from "chip on my shoulder" to "concerned for others and compassion."  

Thank you Lord for growing me more graceful in my walk of parenting. Thank you for being faithful to hear the cry of a mother's heart. Your mercy never ceases to amaze me.

Marriage: Because it Matters When Raising Kids

I am a divorcee. Remarried.

My boys experienced a broken home. My daughter has not Thank you Lord.

So I had this bright idea to write about marriage about 2 weeks ago and then I got busy. So I only had the first two sentences in. Weird. Weird because in that time frame my oldest got engaged. Nope- I had no clue. I found out after he asked. Not that I mind. I have learned to dumb down my expectations with him. So I am just grateful he chose to share it with me at all.

We love our future daughter in law. They had been high school sweethearts and broke up for a year. They have recently come back together. Two completely different people yet they still get along in an amazing way.

It is the right thing for them.

So, now back to my thoughts on marriage. Not only did my son get engaged but there have been so many blogs and radio programs supporting this idea of marriage between one man and one woman lately. The kind of marriage designed by God. I'd like to share a few of those links with you. God speaks to us in many forms. Perhaps someone out there might need to hear what is said. I will post them at the end of my post here.

I know when I was struggling in my marriage of 8 yrs. with a man who didn't love me or wasn't capable of loving me and I was entirely too needy to know any better. The only thing I heard was the world SHOUTING you DESERVE to be happy. You DESERVE to have a man who loves you and who treats you right. What is love? What is "treating you right"?

Let me just say.

No one can create your happiness. No one OWES you anything. Not one person can make you happy. And

NO, we don't deserve anything. Except what God blesses us with.

I've learned that marriage wasn't instituted for our happiness (gosh I wish I had know this LONG ago). Marriage was designed to show the world what the relationship with Jesus Christ is like. This was such an eye opening view. I had no idea. It's not what I grew up with. It's not what I had been taught at all. But PRAISE God, it makes so much sense.

How you love each other shows your children how Jesus loves them and how they are to love Jesus. It shows your spouse how Christ loves him/her. There is no other relationship in this world like it which is why it's one of the most important ones and why Satan works over time trying to destroy.

Let me say this- I'm not talking about marriages plagued with abuse (been there done that too). I'm talking about the troubles of "falling out of love with your mate issues here." Perhaps he isn't as clean as you'd like him to be, or he doesn't pick up his clothes, or he doesn't fix things in a timely manner. Does he work too much or not enough? ALL of these have the ability to be brushed away by the grace of God. I'm not saying God can't change an abusive man. Because I know my God can and will if that man accepts His help or if God just plainly wants to use him. But you should never stay in harms way or allow you children to stay in harms way. Remove yourself and work on it in a controlled environment that is safe for you and your kids.

So as a woman who has been through divorce let my voice be louder than the world. Find a way to love your spouse. Find a way to see past the flaws. Find a way to be used by the grace of God so that Jesus can be glorified through you and eventually through your marriage.


It truly is worth fighting for and it will mean all the difference in the world to your children.


I am currently remarried now for 9.5 years. Thank you Jesus. I have a wonderful man. He is not perfect and I had to give a lot of my habits of control so that he could lead us as a man should. It wasn't easy. Especially when I was turning over two boys to him who weren't his flesh and blood. Everything in me wanted to cling and protect and not allow him into their lives for their sake. But God showed me how I had to step aside so one of the most amazing things could happen to them in their relationship with their new dad. God gave me the grace to do it. He gave me the strength and power and might to put my mama bear reactions away and just allow it to write out an amazing story in their lives.


Boy, I'm sure glad I did. Because in 2004 is when the plan came full circle and the boys asked my husband to adopt them. They wanted his name and for him to be their official dad. That was a beautiful day. That will be a day forever etched in my memory as a day God showed up and said "man will let you down but I am your God. I know what you need. Let me provide for you." He did. above and beyond what I could have ever asked for.


Let go and Let God do His work in you. Then watch the others around you begin to change. It's a beautiful thing.

Marriage is a beautiful thing.


and it matters!


Here are the links I promised....


Family Life

Focus on the Family

God's Sacred Design for Marriage audio (Part 1 of 2)
God's Sacred Design for Marriage audio (Part 2 of 2)

Because He Gives Us Our Peace

DS1 has done something against all our instruction and teaching. He is 20 and still lives at home so while I don't have total control over what he says and does I do have some control over what we allow because we are still providing his basic needs.

Food & Shelter.

After some suspicion we confronted him and he confirmed our thoughts. Thankful he didn't lie. But we had to at that moment give him an ultimatum of not doing it again or moving out of our home.

We have 2 other children we need to raise and protect. His corruption can not interfere with our mission of raising them. His choices can't bring down the family unit.

Grace.

Our suspicious peaked again one month later and we confronted him again. He confirmed our suspicions. Thankful he didn't lie.

Dear Lord what do we do? We told him we would be kicking him out if he did it again. To sit in front of his dad asking him not to kick him out is like asking his dad to go back on his word. It was an intense struggle of what to do. Filled with pain, hurt and distrust.

You see DS1 is a "good" guy. He has a personality that won't quit with a smile that goes on for miles and miles. He struggles with loving himself. He struggle with knowing the love of Christ has for him, He doesn't understand that God has BIG plans for him if he would just seek Him with all his heart.

How often have I done the very same thing. How often do I not live up to my full potential in Christ? If I'm completely honest it is OFTEN. Grant it my disobedience isn't law breaking in legal terms but my disobedience is breaking God's laws.

Grace.

What do we do? I would probably rather take the easy road of burying my head under a pillow and just hope it corrects it self. Because I don't want to kick my son out.

He is not ready or capable of providing for himself. I'm afraid if we kick him out the only places who would take him are the places he finds these "forbidden things". So after much prayer we decided to keep him but with much more restriction. All at his expense. There will now be rent. Doing his own laundry. Buying his own snacks and drinks. He is welcome to gussy up to the table at dinner time and enjoy a meal with the family if he so chooses.

This is a really difficult stage in life. It's a bit more difficult because we also have a very "emotional" 16yr old on top of this battle. Everyone warns you of the "terrible twos" and the "teens" but I don't recall hearing any major warnings of the "young adult".

If you are reading this- Let this serve as a warning of the days to come.

It is rough waters but there is enough grace and peace from our Lord to get you through. God is going before us and preparing the way. We only need to rest in His faithfulness.

Just like the story of the disciples panicking in the boat during the storm while Jesus slept. They didn't understand how He, Jesus, could sleep during a time they needed the most help. But the thing is Jesus did not fear. He was the power of the One who calms the waves and makes them roar. Jesus was demonstrating that we do not have to fear.

Ever.

No matter what the circumstances are around us. He is always in control. With grace, mercy, and perfect knowledge.

He Cares About Every Detail

DS2 had some issues this week that needed to be addressed.

It consisted of disrespect, foul language, more disrespect and a sour attitude during correction.

So, we revoked his cellphone privileges and time with his girlfriend.Cell phones are a privilege not a right.

This was on Tuesday.

The following Sunday's sermon just happen to be an exact replica of what we were dealing with. Acts 20:7-12 about Eutychus the young man seated in the window who feel asleep during a service Paul was preaching and fell out the window and died... (he had been laying down in SS and covering his head)

Anyhow, we all just sat there with our jaws on the floor. Getting in the car to go home DS2 says "how about that sermon today".. HAHA It was just glorious confirmation (after a very hard long week) that God is a part of every detail and cares what's going on in our lives.

You see going to church doesn't make you a Christian. It does allow us to shut the world down for a couple of hours so God can speak to us VERY CLEARLY when otherwise he wouldn't be able to because of all the distractions around us.

Just when I think we are battling through this thing called parenting alone, I am reminded that I am not alone. There is One much more powerful than I who loves my children even more than I can. He wants them to know Him just as much as I do.

Even more than I do.

So just when you think you're alone in this task... remember you're not.

What We Hope For in our boys....

We Love Because

1 John 4:19 We love because He first loved us.

Someone I love very dearly; someone I hold very close to my heart needs to know he is loveable. But how do you tell someone that and have them understand? How do you show it in a way they will FINALLY believe you? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. My new revelation of this verse. The answer isn't our love for someone but:

We love because God first loved us. 

I'd always questioned what it meant... Did it mean I didn't REALLY have free will? The only reason I love God is because he loved me first.? What if he hadn't loved me first? Are there others out there whom he doesn't love. NO! 

God loves everyone. Just the way I can love all three of my children with equal passion, strength, and depth. Yet individually. So God loves everyone. There is no "what if" God didn't love me first. It is what it is. He loves us. (Period)

My revelation this morning was enhanced by a Donald Miller Quote "...sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself..." 
That's it. 

You have to SEE God loving you before you can in turn love. 

When you see that in our sinful wretched nature God loved us. He loved us so much that He wanted to die for you just so you could be with Him forever. You have to see His forgiveness and grace wash over you. You have to see his mercy clothe you. Then and only then will you come to a place of being so humble the only thing you have left to offer is love. 

I see this not only for myself this amazing revelation. But, while my heart aches for my boy who is battling identity. Who doesn't know who he is because his father walked out on him. My boy hasn't healed from that wound just yet. In my deep gut wrenching moment of prayer God brought that verse into my head. You see his father had a father who bailed on him too. So he had the same identity crisis. I thought MY Love was enough for my ex-husband and I painfully realized "my love" was never going to change him. So my desperate prayer continues on "then Lord how can I teach my boy about your love? How can he learn to love if he can't love himself? If he feels such a lack of direction and purpose then how can he know what you have created him for?"  Most boys find this answer within their own father. But when you have one who bails on you then you find it more difficult to understand life's path. 

Through tears and prayers the Lord spoke to me that he needs to know my love for him before he can understand how to love anyone else. 

We love because He first loved us. This is a show and tell verse. God said "I'm going to love you, I'm going to show you how you are to love yourself. Then and only then will you  be able to love others as I have loved you."

Lord please open my boys eyes to see how you love him. Please open his heart up to receive your love and to accept it. Show him because of You he is worth that love. Not because of any other thing- but because you created him and he is your masterpiece. 

Thank you God for this precious child and children you have blessed me with. Without them I find it would be so much harder to know the amazing God that you are. It's through them that you teach me each new day just how much you love us. 

Mom Humbled to the core!

When There is Great Disappointment

So, my ex used to self destruct himself all the time. He used to take the large steps with failure rather than baby steps to success or at least caution to change direction if necessary. Now my DS1 is doing the same thing. I see that with each "failure" he steps into a deeper path of self loathing. Incapable of loving himself let alone someone else.

Dear God I plead with you for the sake of my boy that you will bring him to his knees to that place of grace where your mercy washes over him. To the point of overwhelming emotion that he only knows to love and nothing else. Because you are love... and you love him. Hear this mother's desperate plea. So her 19 almost 20 yr old can begin walking in a path that is not only pleasing to you, Lord,  but also allows him to grow closer to you. Draw his heart toward your will. Give him that deep desire that can not be quenched without you. Lord make him CRAVE only you. So that he can be the husband and father only you help him be. In Jesus Name, AMEN

Nothing like a raw prayer for your child to humble you as a parent. When the Lord show you that He is the only one who can be in control. Out of control is a very hard place for a parent to be. It is for me at least. I want to tell him what he should do and him actually listen to me. I love him more than anything else in this world.. yet he doesn't believe me.

Disappointment in his lack of self confidence...
Disappointment in the fact that my love just isn't good enough "to make it all better anymore."
Disappointment for talent going to waste because he lacks the self confidence to go after the world.
Disappointment not in my child but FOR my child.
How do we deal with it as a parent?
Prayer. Faith. God is the only answer for him. It's the only thing left I can offer him, but it's also the very best I can offer. The WE parents can offer up on behalf of our children when they are young adults. It is good enough. It will see us through this process gracefully. At least that's the hope I am clinging to.
Dear Lord bring some confidence back into my child's heart. Having a father bail can probably be the thing that plagues him. Please don't let the devil steal his life from him because of another humans choice. PLEASE Don't let Satan steal, kill, and destroy my boy. I would give my own life for him to have his full life ahead of him with a bright future to look forward to. PLEASE help me have the faith to wait and see you move in his life. Give me the words to speak to him at your perfect moment. Words that will penetrate his heart and not just his head.

Growing through this process one day at a time. Watching your child flutter into adulthood is a very difficult process... at least it is for me. Can anyone else out there relate?
I'm praying for you!
I love you!

Graceful mom

Book Resource I highly recommend a mother dealing with the loss of her son's father. A book by Donald Miller. He explains his own trial of dealing with an absent father but how he met his true Father and how that met and filled his heart.

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/To-Own-a-Dragon/Donald-Miller/e/9781576837313

Or the most recently updated book Father Fiction by Donal Miller.

It's the updated version of To Own a Dragon with a few more stories and events that of his life in it. I highly recommend his books because Donald Miller writes from his heart. You will be able to connect with him through his writings because he is that real with his raw emotion and questions. I'm thankful for him using the gift God gave him.

First Flights Out of the Nest

    So I'm living a few different levels of parenting. I'm sure there are others out there in at least ONE of the same situations that I find myself in. This is actually pertaining to my oldest DS. He is 19 and has already flown the coupe once. He actually turned 19 in Hawaii. Rough life huh? To ask him you would think so. He joined the CG and was found sleepwalking a month into his first duty station so they began the process of releasing him. You can't sleep walk on a boat. You can't sleepwalk with a bunch of weapons. So they let you go. It was a devastating blow to a 19 yr old who thought he was on the path to his future. He loved boot camp and thrived in it actually. His first duty station was not quite as great. It was a lot of stuff.. bad hours, so far from home for the first time ever, no friends (like he had at home), a lot of drinking and smoking going on. He wasn't really into the whole drinking scene but apparently that's all they like to do. So he baby sat a lot making sure everyone got to back to the ship safely and on time. There was a lot of stress and anxiety wrapped around this first flight out of the house. He didn't do so well. It was an extreme jump this first time out. I'm afraid we didn't prepare him well enough for such a feat. But he sort of blind sided us with the news he was enlisting. College didn't look like a viable option apparently. Even though he was enrolled already.

    Well, he is back home now trying to gather his barrings. It's been a difficult road. The blow, the age, the lack of direction are all coming into play here. Oh and the girl friend who has decided to end things. He is really struggling to find a path. We, the parents, are trying to encourage and validate him as much as we can with lots of patience. As long as he pays his few bills then I have no recourse. Nothing illegal or dangerous is going on in his life. He truly is a great kid young man. Even though I get intensely frustrated with him. He is still a good guy. He has a lot of potential. I wish he saw it in himself. I wish he drew strength from everything positive in himself.  But, he doesn't. His ego is shot and he lacks oodles of self confidence. He lacks self discipline too.

   With each new adventure in his life and each new test flight out we are hoping to see positive changes and impacts in his life. As parents this is NOT an easy task. To stay patient and graceful and have mercy on them while they flutter about out of the next. How does a parent do it?

•     Well first and foremost PRAYER. Lots and lots of prayer. I even yell at God about how disappointed I am or frustrated or angry at my son for being lazy or careless or even disrespectful. God is big enough to handle it. I hear Him repeating back to me the love and grace and mercy He has had on ALL His children. While we have been rebellious, lazy, careless, and disrespectful to Him and His people. So He understands. He can relate to our frustrations. He can understand why we want to scream and yell.
• Then there are friends who can help carry the burden with you. They can pray with you. They can share their frustrations so you know you aren't allow. They may be completely different but, we ALL are burdened with something.
• Resources like books, and video's, sermons can all help with this season of life. A couple of my essential resources that I have been clinging too are The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children by Stormie Omartian and Losing Control and Liking It By Tim Sanford Both will forever be my guide as the other children come along. See the covers below.
 

You can/ WE can do this. Parenting isn't easy nor is it for sissy's. We must stand with the Lord and fight every day for our children. He will give us daily our portion of what we need as parents. Looking to far into the future will cause us to fall or be weak because it's too much. But, focus daily what you need. He will be your strength and power and might.

I'd LOVE to hear about some of your own experiences of the first flights out of the nest.

God's Masterpiece

What message are you giving to your children? Are you telling them they are worth while to spend time with? Are you giving them a valuable spot in the family where without their contribution things just might fall apart?

We all need to feel needed. Do your children feel needed?

I can say I haven't always done this. In fact I feel like I fall so short of this. But it wasn't because I didn't want them to be. I think we all desperately want our children to feel worthy, needed, and precious. For whatever reason life happens and we have let a lot of time go by before we realize we haven't sat and had a simple connection conversation with our child(ren).

It's sometimes easier for the mom of the family to keep her watch over the relationships in her household. So I tend to call myself the temperature gauge to the family. When I sense a need in one of the children I tend to analyze and evaluate what it is they possibly need the most. Time with dad, mom, or family as a whole. As they get older it gets harder and harder to know what your child needs. My DS1, 19, is virtually impossible to connect with right now. He sleeps a lot and is going through somewhat of a crisis. So, all my conversations tend to lean towards the more serious.. what are you going to do with your life conversations. No wonder he steers clear of talking with me. But, I just don't know how to relax until things are taken care of.

Here are a few things I have found to be helpful each very different for each child.

• DS1 likes to eat. So I try to find every possible opportunity to have a good meal cooked or take him to eat somewhere. I restrain from any "serious" talk for the whole meal and just try and let him talk. Which is honestly a bit harder than it seems because at this age they really don't have much substance to their conversations. Still it seems to be a small moment of joy without tension for both of us. Going to the movies with DS1 is also a winner. He is a movie buff and it's an action we can do together and then just talk together about the movie.Connection is the key her. No life problems are to be dealt with during these times of connecting.
• DS2 and I have set aside every Friday lunch as "our" time. We find a place to eat and we have lunch together. It's a time I try to protect as much as possible. Not letting anything interfere with that time frame. It gives us a chance to discuss his work for the week since I home school him. We can take tests or discuss a chapter of whatever subject he might have a question about. Again, with boys, FOOD seems to be a common factor. Boys can't just sit and talk either. It's completely against their whole genetic makeup. So throwing a ball, working out, or driving are all good options for conversation with your son. The important thing is taking time with them.
• DD1 is most fun for me because me being a woman we connect a little differently. We understand each other in ways that the boys and I don't. Doesn't make it better or worst just different. I actually am not a good "player". Which means I don't know how to sit and play with toys. Tea Party's are kind of painful for me and playing dress-up just leaves me feeling like a failure because I'm not good at it. Maybe that's why I avoid it. I can color and things but I find it difficult for my daughter to enjoy creative work because she is a perfectionist and criticizes her work the whole time. So I have found a resource that I would like to share with you that sets you and your daughter on intentional dates together. It's a book called "8 Great Dates for Moms and Daughters" It leads conversations in True beauty, cool fashion, and modesty. DD1 is a joy to go out with. However it can sometimes be the most challenging. She can tend to be a bit negative at times. We are working on an attitude of gratitude with her. It's ok to be disappointed but, always be grateful for things even if they aren't exactly what we hoped for. So with your daughter you can shop, eat, beautify yourselves, or just go to a park and sit under a big tree in the shade and talk.

It doesn't much matter what the activity is. It's does matter the amount, frequency, and effort that is put into it. Kids need to know they matter. They need to know they are God's Masterpiece. They need to know from you that you think they are worth your time and effort. I promise you no one else out in the world will be able to speak that truth into their lives like you can. If you are intentional in connecting with them and not "fake" it. They will know, no matter what you do, that you care about them if you spend time with them.

Breath life into your child.. show them they ARE God's Masterpiece in the making.
Read this story The Story of the Tea Cup to get a greater picture of being God's Masterpiece and all that we must go through to become all that God intended for us.

God's Perfect Timing

Hello blogger world!

This one is so very near and dear to my heart because of how true it is in my life. God's perfect timing in everything that has had me concerned. But, it wasn't until I began to pay attention that I was able to see God's hand at work in my life and in the lives of those around me. Paying attention is key here. Because you will miss it. God doesn't send out a flair when he's about to perform a miracle in your midst. Kinda like when you enter your child's room and clean it for them while they aren't home, or when you wash their clothes and place them in their drawers so they don't have to wonder where their favorite pair of jeans are. (No, I actually never did this.) I do their laundry but, I don't place them nicely in their drawers or pay attention to what their favorite clothes are.. But, you might. That's like God.. when He is working in our lives even when we aren't paying attention. We don't send out a signal to let our kids letting them know when we will clean their clothes, dishes, or the house they live in.. We just do it. Because we know it's healthy, safe, and more pleasing. What a thankless job it is. But because we know better we do it.

One amazing story of this that my DS2 (dear son #2) and I were just talking about the other day.Was  when he was in 6th grade. I was at work and he was at school. I can't remember the events of the day but I had the afternoon off from work and thought it would be a fun surprise to stop by the middle school and pick him up for the day. Mother son time. When I drove up it just happen to be a time when classes were changing and I ran into ds2 right outside. (Here is the miracle of the moment) I saw a boy hand him something. Right there right at that very moment I was able to see an exchange to my ds2 that could have altered a future for him. DS2 had this look on his face that screamed guilty. But still wasn't sure what was going on just yet. I asked him if he wanted to check out to hang for the day but his response wasn't what I expected , this child hated school, so for him not to jump on the chance quickly took me back. Then it clicked. In a matter of seconds a million thoughts went through my head, a boy just handed him something, he is acting weird, what should I do, could it be..., what situation did God just place me in? I asked my son for the "thing" in his pocket. Fearing someone would see before I had a chance to get the full story. I stuck it in my purse told him to go to class and I would be checking him out. This also gave me a moment to gather my thoughts. Absorb the miracle that just happened. Plus figure out how I am supposed to deal with this situation so that ds2 has a moment to learn and see just how much God is constantly holding him in his hands every day, all day.

Well, the pill turned out to be nothing. But the boy was telling him it was steroids and would make him stronger. I took ds2 to lunch that day and we discussed how God had placed me there at that particular moment during that particular day and neither of us were even aware we were being guided at that moment by the Creator. We prayed and I told him what he was about to do was a very dangerous thing. Not only for him but, for the boy who gave it to him. We must always be on guard to the world around us. It served as one of the most impactful lessons ds2 could have ever had on his own. It was the most impactful moment a parent could have had. I knew at that very moment I was never going to be alone in my days of parenting or that my husband and I would never be left to try and look after them 24/7 alone. We could trust the God of this universe to help us. We just had to be awake. We have to be aware. We have to be looking for the signs. We must not fall asleep or we will miss it. We will miss the miracles of the hand of God in our lives. Not that He will stop working.. but, we will miss seeing it.

Nothing will build your faith or your love for the Lord more than seeing Him at work in your life or your child's life. Helping you to Grow Graceful Thru Parenting.

Graceful

So, what exactly does GRACEFUL really mean? And how does it exactly fit into parenting?

Graceful:
agile, charming, lovely

graceful  means characterized by beauty of movement, style, or form; gracious  means characterized by charm, good taste, kindness, and generosity of spirit


So, agile means to move quickly and easily. This makes me laugh because how true it is when you have children that you have to move quickly and easily. Right from birth into adulthood. Think of 5th grade project due tomorrow and it's 8:30 pm the night before or a child who escapes your grasp to run into a street. How about a child who has found them self in a bad situation with friends and needs to be picked up at 10 or 11 at night or that baby trying to take their first steps as you move quickly to soften their fall.

Next is Charming which means pleasant or attractive. Well this certainly can come into play during parenting. More on the pleasant side of things. To be friendly, likable, and polite. All the qualities we desire our children to grow up with. Traits we could model for our children. Think of all the parents of your child's friends. Think about not embarrassing your child in a store because they want to turn in a game for money to get a different game and the man behind the counter is a sham and you want to let him know it as clearly as possibly. (yes, I did this and it wasn't very charming. One of the highlights my boys remember of me).

Then there is lovable. Well, that's almost explainable.But there will be times in parenting when they aren't lovable nor are you lovable. Might be the the most self explainatory but, probably one of the toughest ones to get through when you don't FEEL like it. Try being lovable when you've been up all night caring for a crying baby, or when you have been wondering where your child is for 24 hours or more. Try loving them when they walk through the door with an attitude like "what is your problem." It's easy in the beginning with that sweet newborn baby. Or even that toddler. Their behavior can be "explained away" by just not knowing better. There is even more "grace" for you because your a sleep deprived mom. But come on- after 6 mths it's time to pull those big girl panties up and start acting lovable to the husband even though your body feels like it's been through a meat grinder or you are worn out trying to entertain all day long with no one pouring into your soul. Oh yes, life is hard and it will bring you to your knees many times. The Lord is faithful in showing you just how to love yourself enough to love others who need you.

The older our children get, hopefully, the better we become through all three of these traits. Growing Graceful Thru Parenting will hopefully be a journey you and I can go on together. One where we can learn from each other, pray for each other, and grow Graceful with each other.

I would love to hear your stories if you would be so kind as to share them with me.